Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Someday Baby


I have started this post so many times in the past three months and each time as quick as it was started, I scrapped it and moved on. And now I am sitting here, determined to get this posted, and surprised that it has already been three months. 

I posted briefly last summer that Steve and I were finally going to get to the bottom of our fertility issues once and for all. Having gotten the run around for over three years from different doctors, we finally found a doctor up here willing to listen to us. We had facts: Steve was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when he was almost twenty. He was put on an experimental drug during his treatment. That we knew from seeing the first doctor (and the second doctor) in the Carolinas that his sperm count was 
non-existent. 

Last summer and fall there was a lot of testing on Steve (he said he finally knew what a lab animal must feel like). Blood draws. Invasive ultrasounds. Biopsies. Many, many semen counts. Each one was a goose egg, but each test couldn’t explain why. The last test, the biopsy, the doctor said all the tissue looked great but that we would have to wait for the test results. This was the last test they would run. We were cautiously optimistic. 

As everyone knows, last year was a rough year around here. I lost my job, I lost two grandparents in eight weeks, my Dad had heart surgery, and Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was desperate for good news. Something to cling to, something to hope for. 

It didn’t happen. Two days before Christmas the biopsy results were in, and there was no semen present. The final diagnosis from our doctor was that the experimental drug Steve was on during his cancer treatment fried his reproductive system. My heart was crushed. Steve blamed himself (I assured him it wasn’t his fault – no 20 year old boy thinks about if they’ll be able to have kids in the future). I withdrew further. 

It is so hard to be happy on the outside for those that are having babies, and with what seems like ease, when on the inside my heart was on life support. Every baby shower, birth announcement, adorable little knitted item was one more painful pill of reality that had to be swallowed.

One of my cousins whose husband has an inoperable brain tumor (and they were told all of the chemo had destroyed his reproductive system), found out she was having a baby (she’s due in July). I think this was the hardest pill to swallow. 

Slowly I began to shake myself out of the baby blues. Steve and I started to look into our other options. Adoption, IVF with donor sperm, foster parenting. There is a price tag attached to each option, and right now each one is out of our reach financially.

We are determined to have more children in our home. It will happen, and it will happen on its own time. One thing that I have decided to do is not to just file away cute knitting patterns for that “someday”. Instead, if there is a pattern I want to knit, I’m going to do it. The item will be packed away for that “Someday Baby”. It may be our baby. I may be a grandchild down the road. We’re not going to stop planning and dreaming. It will happen. 

Someday.  

20 comments:

  1. So many hugs, dear Emily. I wondered when you posted about the purple sweater. Amazing things happen.

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    1. Thank you Heather! I am optimistic that things will definitely work out in our favor sometime.

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  2. Yes, Emily, someday and please never say never because that is not true. I was told after having several medical treatments that I wouldn't nor should I have anymore children [at this time I had three]. I was crushed as I had always planned to have 8 at least. Without taking up a lot of your time, I did go on to conceive and have 2 more babies before my body shut down. The doctor's were more than surprised, but my take is they call it 'practicing medicine' so there!!!
    I will continue to pray for you and your family as I have been and I know good things are headed your way!
    Much love to you Emily.

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    1. Oh don't worry, Tracey, I'll never say Never! Thank you. xoxo

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  3. I am so hoping for a miracle for you both, keep positive and follow whichever path feels right. The little purple sweater is so sweet:) My little pile of baby things fills me with such joy and hope. I will be praying for your some day baby xoxo

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    1. I'll be praying for you, too, Karen! We can cheer each other on. :)

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  4. Lots of prayers and good wishes for you and Steve, and hopes that whatever path your baby takes, he or she will be joining you soon.

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  5. oh emily, i'm praying, your someday baby will be not only in your heart but in your arms too. i'm proud of you for writing this difficult post, i know it couldn't have been easy. i'm envisioning all good things coming your way dear. sending you big hugs and love,
    lori

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  6. Sending you both love and blessings - and praying for your miracle. They do happen - even when you think it is too late :) xxx

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    1. Thank you, Jacqui! We are remaining extremely optimistic. xoxo

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  7. I'm praying for you as well. I hope that what you wish for comes true :) I appreciate the difficult post but I'm glad you did, now we can pray, I think it helps!

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    1. Thank you, Karen, we do appreciate it.

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  8. Oh Emily - what courage to share such heartbreak with, well, mostly strangers! However, you are blessed by all these strangers praying for you.
    Blessings
    Karen

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    1. Thank you Karen -- I think of my blogger buddies as close friends. It was still difficult to share, but mostly because I'm still a bit frustrated with it all.

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  9. Emily--along with the others....I'm praying for your someday baby...and in the meantime, I'm praying for you and Steve. It will happen somehow for you I'm just so sure. Hugs.

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    1. Ah thank you Steph, we certainly do appreciate it!

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  10. My heart goes out to you, Emily....Saying a prayer for blessing, peace, and hope for you and your hubby. Much love to you, R

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